Why I Hate Him

He makes me confused about me.  He causes me, almost forces me, to stretch and grow when he doesn’t even know he’s doing it.  He makes me feel things and experience things I haven’t felt or experienced before.  I want to say I love you and give him more of my heart, but my brain tells me that’s not a good idea.  I keep finding more things to appreciate about him when I think it might be easier to decide I really do hate him.  Yep, this reflects my life.

What This Cowgirl Is Looking For in a Man

Someone who can pick me up and brush me off when I fall down, who will hold me and help me believe every little thing will be okay, make me feel like a cowgirl, a woman.  He needs to be able to speak into my heart and spirit and his touch needs touch all of me.  He doesn’t have to “want to run a mission a yard from the gate of hell” like I do, but he does need to get it and love it and love it in me.  Sometimes I just need to be held, or at least that’s what it feels like.  I am a cowboy, I sleep with my sexy cowboy boots on – figuratively, I go after strays no one else does.  I like it that way.  I used to think he would need to ride with me, that would be fine…maybe, but I mostly need someone to be there when I come back from a hard round up, when I’ve been thrown, when I’m bloody and dirty.  I need someone who loves me like Jesus does…perfection not required.  Are you out there?  Are you in there?  Is it like the brown shoes?…hope not.  And I will not be in want, or at least I won’t live there because I have the gifts of family and friends who love me, a God and Savior and Lord who understands me and loves me and is enough regaurdless of what my feelings say, and I have me and that’s all I have to give.  So, here’s to putting the boots on, staying in the saddle, and doing the work of the Father.

burned

 i’ve pretty much been burn out busy.  I burned my finger by touching a hot burner probably because it’s easy to get careless when i’m really tired.  i also totally melted a whole cube of butter in th micro-wave and spilled lots of stuff today. i’m one hand typing.  my finger’s been in cold water for 3 hours and still hurts when i take it out.  in the bible paul talks about being a tent maker and laboring day and night and being poured out like a drink offering,  that’s what i feel like.  i don’t regret anything i’m doing, but it’s a lot. i actually asked the neighbor girl who comes to phc to come back to wash dishes because they were overwhelming and i couldn’t do it with 1 hand.  that was  a change in position and it felt good to ask for and get help.  any way i’m glad i havo other people to do the driving this weekend

Oh Shit

I’m in this really nice relationship, but when I don’t stay in the moment it really freaks me out.  I also need to figure some stuff out that has to do with me, but has been brought to focus as the result of my relationship with him.  Should be an interesting Friday afternoon Lindsie Lu.

I’m applying for a job that would probably mean taking between a 4000 and 8000 a year pay cut.  I don’t really have enough money right now, but I think that’s where my heart is and staying where I am because of money…I don’t think I feel good about that.  But…I have that girl…and that girl isn’t a girl any more.  And I could have a student teacher and do some counseling, and maybe some administrative work and my kids love me and I have a really good program, and Barry could use a mentor and I still don’t think that’s where my heart is and God’s my provider not my job.  My belief level on that last one is pretty low but it’s probably still right.

An ex student may end up living with me…and I have that relationship…and I might make a lot less money next year…and there’s Barbara…

I’m involved in a lot of stuff.  I like it that way, but today when I got home from school exhausted and spend to the point of tears I was really glad no Pink HOme Church kids showed up until about an hour late so I could have some sit and stare and let God fill me up time.  Gotta guard that, but He’s given me so many good things to do.

And I’m still sleeping fairly well most nights.  I’ve gotten up at 5:30 the last two mornings to watch and wait, and just hang out with God…well tried, did better this morning.

Birthday moments

Surprise birthday party.

Good time with Chase

Good talk with Kris

Realizations about why I have a hard time with mom and what works better.

I love you.

She’s a hell of a kid

I’m a hell of a mom

More on some of that when I don’t have important things to do

IDK

I was going to title a blog Tempter or good gift from the Father of Lights? I originally decided Lily didn’t need to read it, but an audience works well for me. Sooo my primary love language is physical touch, prefered genre – sexual, but being held while I cry or decompress is really nice. I’ve had very limited opportunity to explore that or enjoy it. 

This brings me to my current dating relationship. What I really think I want to do is share more of my heart and relax about the physical stuff, not to be confused with back away from it. I want to tell him straight up where the ultimate line is and I think talking about likes and dislikes would be nice. Fear, maybe old BS – Why go any farther with a guy I don’t intend to marry? The new thought today is I share a lot of my heart with a lot of people who I don’t intend to marry. The obvious difference is the physical touch, but there are people who share my primary love language that I feel very comfortable and enjoy being held by for long periods of time with no sexual anything – they’re girls. I’ve always struggled with that too…so many questions that I’ve had for so long. Places of self condemnation, misunderstanding, non understanding. And largely thanks to Chase, and some friends I trust and a loving savior who really wants me free and living from my heart and not fearful and can take care of it when I made mistakes…and a willingness to work my ass off, here I am right in the middle of all the questions and fears and uncertainty that have been here for…everish. He’s coming over for a few hours tomorrow. My current plan is to live on the edge, be a risk taker, be very soft…and it all feels way more self respecting than any previous plan even though it doesn’t really resemble what I’ve been taught self respect means. (That’s where the BS comes in.)

Anyway, that’s me for now

The Truth Will Set You Free

I’ve been pretty out of sorts, off contract, controling, not happy…much of the last couple days, maybe a little even before that.  I was pretty deep into judging myself and everyone else, and we came up way short of expectations and of what I consider our responsibilities.  Yep, the author of The Shack’s right, those nouns kill, expectancy and responsiveness is way better. 

The trigger on this occasion was finances, that triggers me often…could blame it on upbringing or genetics, but I have to own it to change it, so it’s mine to deal with.  I was already struggling with not paying down my home equity line of credit fast enough to meet my expectations and was trying to find someone to be responsible for that.  There were two candidates and I was pretty resentful of both of us.

So this amazing idea just popped into my brain today (thanks HS) I had based how fast the line of credit should go down on how much I thought I had been paying on the car loan I rolled into the home equity line of credit.  The number was $300.  So I looked it up in an old check register today and found out I had only been paying $210 per month.  I just now remembered I dediced I should roll in more because some of my house was on the loan, but I obviously didn’t take into consideration that my home loan payment had not gone down, I just cut about 10 years off the payoff time.  So when I realized the truth that I was paying as much per month as I had been I was freed of the judgement I had put on myself and of the judgement I had put on others – some relating to finances, and some not.  God’s so good!  So, I’m right where I should be if I take into account my decision to include about $1000 of school loans in the line of credit, $850 ahead if I include the two months I accidently made double house payments in the last year.  It made my feel better.  $850 is about how much has just been wasted on oopsies, stupidity, ignorance, inexperience, and just being too busy to do everything right.  That seemed good to me. 

Sooo I’ve been not wanting to get some hormone testing done because I didn’t feel like I had the money and I felt resentful and angry and ripped off.  That’s gone.  I plan to get the test on Friday and I’m hoping I’ll do better, have to do my maintenence stuff less often, and save money in the long run, or at least hurt less.

So, that’s me for now.

Luke Warm Living

If you’re neither hot nor cold I’ll spew You out of my mouth.  Sooo I want to live with gusto, be real, laugh my ass off all the time, take emense joy in the people in my life, worry about outcomes less and just have a great time now, speak from the heart, choose to not live under the influence of fear, sleep entire nights without waking off more often, worship just because I can, live loved without making judgements about what that has to look like, ditch more religions, legalistic ways of thinking every day, love and express affection without reservation, stay in the batters box.  I may go cold on occastion, but it will becaue I’m so hot that I burned out not because my luke warmness cooled down.

Life is so Good

I don’t even know what I have to say about that, but I’ve been feeling really stable lately and I’ve slept really well the last couple of nights.  I’m praying for God to stabalize my hormones and I think maybe He is.  I know I’m not ready to do the hormone spit test my chiropractor has suggested, but I will ask about what the treatment is if it came back abnormal.  I’ve gotten on a superfood regiment that seems to work and I’ve been eating better.  I’ve also had less to do which puts me at a more normal activity level.  Just enough, but not the grinding pace I had kept for the last three weeks and in many ways since about the beginning of November.  The bottle of wine I bought probably doesn’t hurt and I’ve been taking communion everyday again.  I’ve also done better about keeping watch and worship and stuff.

Another thing I’m pretty excited about is the ease with which I’m setting boundaries these days.  It’s not even that hard any more.  I’ve come a long way in two year.  If anyone’s ready, and maybe a little inspired.  I strongly suggest God and I also suggest focus even though the focus power struggle has caused me to boycot most of the events and the church heiarchial design is causing me to consider giving up going there for lent…not that I go unless I want to anyway.

Yep, I’m excited for life and it goes beyond spending tomorrow night and probably Saturday morning with Chase and maybe getting an ipod and the whole feeling good about Lily getting a credit card thing and the possiblity of going to the alternative school and my principal telling me I’ll be valuable at either place and whatever else.  Life’s just good…probably mostly God’s just good.  That’s all

Living Loved…Some firsts…and some other stuff

Let’s start with Friday night…no back up to last Wednesday:

Went to cell group, the boys called wanting to go so I had company.  I like that.  I love just being comfortable with those people and they prayed for me.  Found out they were moving the day to the same time as pink home church last night.  I was pretty upset at first, but God knows and it feels like He’s breaking away yet another dependency so I can be dependent on Him.  When I need to go, I’ll know because no one will show up for pink home church.

The boys came over Thursday to make cookies for Lily and for them to take home.  Part of living loved is loving…and Donavan hugs and JJ cleaning up after himself and Aly wanting to help and have me watch the things he can do.

Friday – Wrote a paper about one of my favorite topics which got done just in time, did basketball practice, Had the whole “Nyssa family” – at least the part that was in town – over for dinner.  Be here now is great!  Wasn’t a stress, sat and talked to Rox while the boys did whatever, no hurry to do the dishes…okay, I went to bed a little later than I had hoped.

Saturday - Lost the first game so I could have flied out early or called spent as much time as possible with Chase, or added something else to the schedule.  But I didn’t really want to do any of those things, so I did be here now and did what I really wanted to do and watched the 7th graders play until I had to go to catch the plane.  Chase met me at Figs and took me to the airport.   Here’s a big first – kiss good bye at the airport.  (And he’s picking me up and taking me to dinner today.) 

Same day – led a modified focus short activity that went really well – even if I was late.  Wow!  I’m not still worried about that.  Didn’t pick up my hard working balls.  Yeah for me!  I even got to work with the kids the next moring and had a great time worshipping, even if I didn’t get to stay for the whole time and everyone else was singing in Spanish. 

Next – I love this part!  Got invited to meet my girl at her new favorite bar after the speaking engagement.  And I beat all of the smart college kids in who wants to be a millionaire and won a 25 cent shot.  Ended up spending the night so I could hang out at the bar  with them longer and have more drinks.  (Chelsea – it’s easy to see why Lily likes to hang out with you.  You are invited to come visit us in Nyssa any time.  You even have a room with a queen size bed to yourself.)  We closed down two bars and got back on campus slightly intoxicated and I got to hear about the Indiana experience.  She’s thinking so clearly about this and I’m so proud of her. I love you and good night at about 4:00 am and it was a great night with a 9:00am alarm.  Well worth it!

Late to my first session – used a delay on Max along with some good story telling skills to save my butt on that one.  Good thing – being late didn’t turn into a big deal. Found out I need to swim and use a hot tub…slept really well Sunday night – maybe it was absolute exhaustion too.   enjoying time on my own was good, although I had a hard time coming off the constant living in the love of people experience but I remembered that living loved is not so much about people as about knowing I’m loved…mostly by God because He is the giver of every good gift (all those people and other stuff) is from Him anyway.  Oh yeah – I had a room to myself.

  I found myself more confident and got a lot of compliments on the dress I had to borrow from Lily because I hadn’t brought any clothes.  I enjoyed dressing up and not looking like a typical teacher.  I noticed a new confidence in my willingness to interact with people and be an active part of the sessions.   

I went with the goal of getting a date, but did a better thing and reconnected with an old friend from Beaverton and had good conversation with Janine and Steve.  There’s a good possibilty that I will be the MEC alternative school teacher within the next couple of years.  That’s pretty exciting!

  The NSA guy who checked my ID said I had a pretty smile.

Okay, so what does that have to do with living loved?  Sharing my heart with a group of kids and having one of them ask for contact information – doesn’t get better than that.  I’m choosing to not run scared from the whole Chase thing and not having to figure everything out.  Getting pretty blasted between church speaking engagements was freeing.  Back space a few days.  I chose to send an email giving options to get together instead of running scared or playing the self defeating game of get you before you get me.  and then I wasn’t obsessed about mailing and bringing the Valentines package without knowing if I would get to deliver it – took a risk.  And then chose to leave it alone and not be a bug showing more respect for both of us.  Damn, I’m getting good!  Mostly, God’s really good and really patient.