Where it start.  I look people in the eye a little more that I used to. I still have work to do, but I can see progress.  I’ve shared my heart when it was hard once and a half this week so far.  That’s good.  I”m seriously enjoying the process of walking into the offer I made to Channa.  She makes good eye contact.  The weekend with Lily was great while being exhausting…well worth it!  Got to hear some things I needed to hear.

I’m loving my counseling role. Some kids got some good stuff out there in LIFE2 class.  You should try it.  The prompt is “(Name of someone), the thing I’ve always wanted to hear from you and never have is ………..”  When said out loud to someone taking the place of the person you need to say the thing to, it’s really powerful.  There’s also other good connected with kids I’m mentoring, God working out a long ago ex student connecting with my current students, and a whole bunch more stuff.

I’m doing well at developing a relationship with Chase without being obsessive or avoidant…at least most of the time.

Sooo…this is sounding more like an update than my heart.  My new quote from a song to live by is “It’s going to be a good good night”.  That’s how I feel about my life.  There are so many good things going on and great relationships developing and continuing to develop.  I am learning to have a voice without being controlling.

Okay, here’s maybe the biggest thing.  I’m pretty sure if Chase proposed I’d say yes.  If that’s a bad idea, I hope someone or something hits me over the head with it…soonish.  We’ve talked about it some and we both see it as a very non-traditional life long partnership…probably with a ceremony and definitely without legal ties.  I still want to go to Nepal, finish helping to raise Channa, be Lily’s mom, and do all the other stuff God gives me to do and be.

I think I need to go to a Dick Williams meeting sometime soon.  I’m actually living “Wonderfully Wild Pam” and being “maternal without being matriarchal” and “getting back into letting God work healing through me”.  Part of that was having a healing touch.  I notice myself using a gentle touch effectively and comfortably…I didn’t even know I had that in me until recently.  It feels good…natural.

Wow I’m even more random than usual.  That’s me for now.  Time to tie this up and go to bed.

Just another note on how much I love my life and the people in my life

Damn I’m loving this.
Want to hear my idea for a tattooed wedding ring?
It’s nice having a room mate around who is in many ways a soul mate…something I knew the first time I met her.
Doing way better with the second kid than I did with the first one
I can offer to hang out with my parents and when they’re at the cabin…at least I tried and I can go hang out with Chase like I wanted to all along…the only question…when will I get the yard mowed?
I’ve never had so much “family” in so many different places
Plans to go to the cabin…finally
Here’s the hard one – realized some more unhealthy stuff with the first kid…partying at the Cantina…not a problem…needing to fit in, or whatever that was…problem.
Being free to just accept whatever relationship gifts I’m given without even thinking about earning them or whatever that was is so good
Figured out that I still deal with thinking I need to earn love and love is a gift not wages.
It’s really good to not be needed because then when we interact it’s just because…it’s a gift of love…it’s good
Done with random thoughts for tonight

I tried to find the old familiar loneliness that had been my constant companion for as long as I can remember a few minutes ago.  It’s gone…I don’t think it’s coming back…ever.  I looked as hard as one can look in the span of about five seconds, but it used to come without being beckoned, so I’m pretty sure it’s just gone.

I spent my comp Friday (got off at noon) mostly at home…went to the volleyball jamboree, connected with a lot of period, always briefly, not because I needed to, just because I could, so I didn’t need to drag it out just to make myself feel wanted.  Missed a call, called back with no answer, and meant it when I said call back if you still want to talk things through.  Initiated plans with the man friend and another friend and will be going to the red fire station house in Nampa for a pot luck this weekend.  But this afternoon and tonight I was good just being at pink with just me.  Sat in my amazingly comfortable chair out in the sun for a couple hours – read some – then my eyes got too tired.  Cooked myself dinner for the first time in a couple weeks.  Watched a movie by myself…it was a great night.

In the past I would have read or mowed the yard or forced time with God (did some of that spontaneously, but not the hard work – gotta do it because I don’t know what else to do and need to feel better – hard working balls thing) or some other thing that would make me feel worth while - I did vacuum the floors (They needed it and I was suddenly in the mood which doesn’t happen often)  I did what I wanted to do and I knew what that was.  It used to be that no matter how busy I was the loneliness and feeling like I needed to find a way to be worthwhile was there.  I’m still busy, but now I’m learning to know when I just need to be at home and enjoy being there.

I was thinking that I should give credit to the people in my life that I’m getting close to, but honestly it’s not about them…you…it’s about me.  I’m different.  I’m me “that’s all I have to give.  What you get is what you see”…that might be true this time…it’s at least more true.  Reckon I’m learning to live loved.

It’s gone like the wind under superman’s cape…I don’t really know how that song goes but I keeps going through my head and I think it’s funny.

I’m exhausted…I was exhausted when I woke up yesterday…that was only Tuesday.  And I think I might be the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.  I can’t think of a situation in which I’m not confident and can’t enjoy…okay, going to a really denominational, legalistic church service wouldn’t work for me, but I could always walk out so it’d be all good.

I love my job.  I gave the best dress code talk ever yesterday.  The kids laughed, teachers complimented my presentation, and I had a great time.  I got to counsel with a couple of girls I had already been working with after an almost fight.  We’ve set up weekly/biweekly meeting times and I think that will work.  I got to share my heart with my LIFE class, I have a great student teacher, I love the team of teachers I work with (Roger Hunter rocks!)…Oh yeah, also worth special mention is my principal…that lady is a class act and honest and real…

I’m coaching without it being hard work and feel good about our ability to compete and the realism with which most girls see their ability…that helps.  Shawna is being seriously positive.  It’s good.

Relationship – I have a kid in grad school who’s doing great and is stretching and growing.  I’m connecting well with lots of my other “kids”.  The last couple of times with my family lacked the usual I don’t belong feeling, that’s been really nice.  I talked to a couple of ladies from town the last time I went to the tavern and one of the teachers at my school and her husband would have gone out with Chase and I except that she was puking.  I’m done trying to make sure that I protect the town kids from thinking….I don’t know…whatever I used to worry about them thinking.  Chase spend the night last weekend…I really need to get Lily’s bedroom set back up, some kids came over when I was in the middle of a can of beer…it’s all good.  I’m a good role model without having to try to pretend.

Sooothe man friend…what to say about that?  I like him and he likes me.  We’re getting more comfortable with talking about stuff and everytime I bring something up he’s great.  He’s up for spending time with my family, but everyone’s so busy that it’s hard to make that happen.  I love spending time with his family…totally looking forward to going the family get together with his daughter that lives in San Diego.  We’re planning an overnighter to the cabin for his birthday hopefully with some friends.  We accidently talk about next summer like being together is a forgone conslusion and it doesn’t hardly feel weird.  I used to not really care if I didn’t see him for a long time, but we’ve seen each other every weekend for a while and I still miss him in between times…no wahwah, I need to see him…miss him, just I look sure am looking forward to Friday night miss him.  We tell each other we love each other and it’s real.  So I’m praying for Chase a certain other young man while I fast Ramadan which is also going well.

Yep, life’s good…just gotta get up two more mornings.

See the pinkhomechurch account

I’m home.  The yard’s good thanks to the neighbors.  The house is a mess thanks to the moving out process and me being me.

I’m really thankful for a couple of good friends right now.  I’m also thankful for a great summer with no regrets.

I’m looking forward to a glass of wine, a bath in my own bath tub, getting all of my stuff which I left at Chase’s…that’s a whole different story, meeting a friend of a friend.

Chase and I have some stuff to work out, but for today, or at least for right now today, I just need to let myself recover from a week of the girl and saying goodbye. 

I also need to work on looking people in the eye, having a voice, using my words, and probably some other stuff.

It’s time for some updates:  The graduation pictures seem like back then.  My live is starting over…again…doesn’t mean everything changes, just means it’s time for a new chapter, wonder what it will say.  I know it will be good because God’s good and because I’m me and I love well and get loved well in return.

Hope that pink card that’s at the house works.  Otherwise I don’t have a way to get money, or gas, or…  Being indecisive can be really inconvenient sometimes.

Now I don’t know what to write.  Maybe it’s all still too far inside, or maybe it’s just certain parts are for certain people and not everything for whoever. 

It feels good to be me.  “Me, that’s all I have to give.  What you get is what you see.  Yeah!  No second guessin, no pretendin.  With you (any of you) all I ever have to be is me.”

Here’s what I know:  I don’t have anything in my life that I feel the need to hide – that feels good.  I’m having somewhere between little and no anxiety about my girl moving to Indiana (except I really do need to get the plane ticket and the moving van) – that feels good too.  (Damn, I love that kid and love watching her grow up!)  I…how do I not sound really dumb right now?…I want to take Chase to the beach for his birthday, and don’t feel the need to stay on any of the dating web sites, and … who knows? – that’s scary and feels good.  There are a lot of new things in my life and coming up – possible trip to Nepal, school counselor, writing an absetinence curriculum (really should start that – help someone)…and there are still the old commitments – coaching, teaching, pink home church, my Nyssa family, my focus group, my family family, and next fall probably more “school” to go to although some of the classes will be repeats…I suspect some of the the old will fade away and it will be time to move on…Don’t know any details about that – I’ll steal a saying – delicious ambiguity – that’s sometimes more scary than good, but still good.

Maybe the best good thing is I think I’m getting close to being free from the religious and performance bonds that I didn’t even know existed until recently.  It helps to be around a man who just doesn’t get real uptight about anything and doesn’t get upset when I fall short or have expectations of me.  (There’s that expectancy vs expectation thing again.  Such a good saying – you really all should read the book “The Shack”)  It also helps to have the support of the couple that I still consider my pastors…whatever that means and my sister and my focus group and I think my daughter. 

Mostly God talks to me everyday and from what I can tell He’s liking the direction I’m going in too. Still need to fine tune, and that’s easier when it’s simple.  The Bible without the religious additives, live loved and everything that encompasses, and that’s pretty much it.

How did I get this healthy…I may have a slight sinus infection and it’s hurting to sit these days, that’s not what I mean.  I don’t remember the last time I cried, or flipped out, or got bogged down in crap.

I think I’m doing a decent job of loving with expectancy rather than expectations and responding instead of holding me responsible for everyone around me and them responsible for me.  In other words living loved – I still really like my tattoo.  Or…loving like Jesus said to…through being filled with His love.

My facebook, or twitter, or something update says I’m earning an A this summer.  My goal was a B+ and the rating scale is based on the above criteria.

I’m good when I’m alone, like tonight, or when the kids are around, or with my daughter upstairs laughing, downstairs watching SITC together, or dealing with stuff that hasn’t always gone well (damn we’re getting good!) on the softball field, playing volleyball ( a bit challenging) with the guy, without him (okay – so I’m still on a fairly steep learning curve on that deal)…it doesn’t seem to matter, things are good.

The total break from religion and legalism is getting really close.  I think that’s important for most of the relationships I’m in right now.  The whole experiencing instead of judging thing is a big deal…especially when developing relationships with people who smoke, drink more than might be best on occassion, smoke pot when they’re way too young…I really like hanging out with all of you all!  The fact that I have support from people who are in “the system” helps a lot.  It’s all part of being a cowboy marathon runner. 

I threw away the study Bible and got out my very first Bible.  It feels really good.  I love hearing God talk to me and I’m getting more and more free to have that happen.  It’s mostly about knowing when it’s time to go to the store and having no accident contact with people.  Even hearing God is incredibly non religious…and so good. 

It’s all part exchanging my hard working can’t get it right balls for passionate, playful, priceless Pam balls and being a soft, self respecting, risk taking woman, and, of course, living loved.

It’s a good Friday night even though the yard isn’t mowed, there’s dishes in the sink

Don’t even know how to start this…but there’s a lot going on and I think I need to process some of it.

Okay, so first, don’t know if it’s really first, just the first thing to come to my mind, I really like being a mom…maybe even better than the idea of being a wife, or life long partner, or whatever.  I had a great weekend.  Most of it was spent with what will probably soon become my older daughter and the events around graduating from college.  You know you really love the kid when you even enjoy taking pictures when she’s in the process of getting slightly intoxicated.  I’m so proud of the person she’s become…crying a little now.  And I admire a lot of things about her, she’s even been a rol model for me in some ways…may get into that later. 

The beginning and the end of the weekend were spent with my likely soon to be “younger daughter”.  I made the same offer to her as I did to the older one years ago…to be a step in mom as needed.  I think it worked out pretty well the first time inspite of some tough times and…my BS, with a little of hers added in.  We’ve come a long way!  I knew it was right this time around when I almost started crying when I knew to make the offer.  She’s already calling the room that’s not the oldest daughter’s room her room…I remember those days…about six years ago.  I’m excited about the prospect of trying the step in mom thing again when I’m more healthy.  What she wrote in my yearbook Fridaymade me cry.  (Yes another ex student)  And her and a friend came by right when I was pulling in the drive way so I made them help me unload the pickup and made them brownies.  They’re easy to have around and a kick in the butt.

One memorial for memorial day is that momdom.  The end of a chapter of that and looking forward to the begining of a new chapter, possibly with more character.

Driving out of the Portalnd area on memorial day was poetically perfect.  There’s really nothing to take me back there any more. The older daugher’s done with school and I had the privilege of experiencing closure of a long time relationship. 

I’m kind of scared.  Don’t know what it all means, just know that God’s good, that I’m way more healthy than I was at the beginning of the last chapter…anyone remember the Pam of 4 years ago?  or even two years ago, or…One day at a time staying close and living loved should do it.

So now it’s time for some acknowledgements because I couldn’t have gotten to where I am now without some key players and a lot of others…no one get offended.  In my most recent developments one player is (watching my tenses)  my “oldest daughter” – watching you feel so comfortable with yourself is absolutely inspiring…offer – let me wear your sun dresses for the summer in exchange for the yellow shoes.  I’ll have to do something come August – but I’ll worry about that later…Anyway,  The cantina experience was priceless to me…I really was proud of you that night and honored to have been a part of you getting there.  I hope you feel equally honored to be a part of my process. 

Next honoree is Mr. Chase.  How could I ever pay you back for…don’t even know where to start…maybe I should just say that my attraction to sun dresses and other changes that go from the inside out have a lot to do with our relationship…and now I’m finding out that it’s just who I am and – no offense – not just in response to you.  The confidence and self understanding and experiences I’ve gained as a result of meeting you are priceless to me.  And then there’s the stuff…yeah, I think that’s all I’ll say about that.  Thanks for being someone I can trust and learn from and have fun with. 

Then there’s my focus group, family, cell group, Nyssa family, Armentas, old high school friends, kids, other people who give me hugs and encourage me to not go running scared.  All the people who made this a memorable day.