But…the situation has caused me to think about all sorts of stuff…most of it really scary, even though it’s also exciting, maybe …definitely stretching and growing.  I recently got married…sort of…ok, I did .  He’s been amazingly supportive, and loving, and understanding, and….I say kind of because we’ve only lived together on weekends because our current job/family situations make that the way things work best.  The possibility of getting fired or needing to keep a distance from my students has caused me to seriously consider moving in with him and his elderly mom permantly which would mean selling my house and removing myslef from the community I’ve become so involved in.  It would also mean losing some of my independence.  (I’m 51 and only got married for the first time the day after Christmas.)  That’s scary.

Okay, true confession time, I don’t know if I’m ready to be married full time.  There’s all this stuff that comes with that, like how do we not have time to do whatever we want to do whenever we want to do it most of the time. I still have “my kids” that are a priority.  I don’t know how to balance that with being married.  I’ve never even been real good at figuring out how to balance things with my biological family.  I think I do a lot of things based on what I think people expect of me rather than “be here now”.  My husband doesn’t seem to have many expectations, but I’m afraid he feels put aside when I miss time that I would usually spend with him to spend with the girls or in another way.  I love him, I want to be with him full time, eventaully, sometimes I want that to happen now….IDK…I just need to stay in the moment and let things work themselves out.

I think I’ve blogged since I got married, but I’m not even sure that’s happened.  My name is Pam Church.  I’m live married on weekends and try to figure out how to deal with the “double life” during the week when I live at the house I own an hour away from my husband and continue to live in much the same way I did before I got married during the week.  This arrangement is temporary, but how long temporary means is totally unknown.  At some point in time I’ll get this site, my twitter, my email, the names on my credit cards…switched over.  For now my driver’s license SS card, passport, and school pay checks are good enough.

A situation at school has given me the opportunity to clarify, acknowledge, make public…some issues of the heart, expecially in the area of my two “daughters”.  It’s been hard, scary, and incredibly freeing.  Once I get the response letter in my district file, probably on Monday, my heart will be out there for my critics to see and they can do what they want with it.  That doesn’t mean I’ll get stupid, just that I’m not making some of the fear based mistakes I made last time around.  It feels good.  Thanks to the older daughter, the other mom, and the pink home church crowd for their written support and to the younger daughter, the older daughter again, and the LIFE 2 crowd for confronting me about not just being who I am.  My husband, biological family, and focus family got an ear full…thanks ya’all.  There are a few thank yous that I’ll choose to not publish because I’m still a little worried about the gestapo stumbling on my internet sites.  Couldn’t have  done this past few weeks without you.

Largely in response to the fun things I’m doing at school and the parania about just letting people do what their good at and leaving them alone, I’m also going to be getting a counseling degree.  The approval for my idea is unanamous.  My only concerns are spending $14,000 and dealing with TSPC.  I’ve found an on line program that will allow me to work at my own pace and have had to reconcile a related issue in order to find a supervisor for practicum work.  The other issue is this will probably extend my career and I don’t know how that fits in with the newly married’s couple plan to build on acreage south of here at some point in time. 

Sooo, some things have settle for me, but I’m still day by day and moment by moment and I think that’s good.  It means I have to listen…and that’s good.

Which reminds me of the other major paridigm shift I’m undergoing.  I’m learning to see myself as a Paul, or Peter, or Erin on Freedom Writers, or Tolstory.  I really believe the verses that say we will do greater things than these and go to all the world and preach the gospel and I will be with you in all things.

Okay, I think that’s all and that’s me for now.

2.  Being here now is really good.

3.  What it means to be soft.

4.  The value of waiting for God’s good gift.    Even if it’s 30 years of waiting.

5.  Yes, I really have FUed church, religion, legalistic expectations…so so free.  I choose to live in complete freedom enjoying and living the heart God gave me.  Wonderfully wild Pam…love you girl!

6.  How good it is to be held while I sleep, while I cry…

7.  God really can work through the righteous and unrighteous…

8.  I really do want to “run a mission a yard from the gates of hell”.

But tonight, I think it’s time to sleep…Melatonin here I come.

I’m loving my counseling role. Some kids got some good stuff out there in LIFE2 class.  You should try it.  The prompt is “(Name of someone), the thing I’ve always wanted to hear from you and never have is ………..”  When said out loud to someone taking the place of the person you need to say the thing to, it’s really powerful.  There’s also other good connected with kids I’m mentoring, God working out a long ago ex student connecting with my current students, and a whole bunch more stuff.

I’m doing well at developing a relationship with Chase without being obsessive or avoidant…at least most of the time.

Sooo…this is sounding more like an update than my heart.  My new quote from a song to live by is “It’s going to be a good good night”.  That’s how I feel about my life.  There are so many good things going on and great relationships developing and continuing to develop.  I am learning to have a voice without being controlling.

Okay, here’s maybe the biggest thing.  I’m pretty sure if Chase proposed I’d say yes.  If that’s a bad idea, I hope someone or something hits me over the head with it…soonish.  We’ve talked about it some and we both see it as a very non-traditional life long partnership…probably with a ceremony and definitely without legal ties.  I still want to go to Nepal, finish helping to raise Channa, be Lily’s mom, and do all the other stuff God gives me to do and be.

I think I need to go to a Dick Williams meeting sometime soon.  I’m actually living “Wonderfully Wild Pam” and being “maternal without being matriarchal” and “getting back into letting God work healing through me”.  Part of that was having a healing touch.  I notice myself using a gentle touch effectively and comfortably…I didn’t even know I had that in me until recently.  It feels good…natural.

Wow I’m even more random than usual.  That’s me for now.  Time to tie this up and go to bed.

I spent my comp Friday (got off at noon) mostly at home…went to the volleyball jamboree, connected with a lot of period, always briefly, not because I needed to, just because I could, so I didn’t need to drag it out just to make myself feel wanted.  Missed a call, called back with no answer, and meant it when I said call back if you still want to talk things through.  Initiated plans with the man friend and another friend and will be going to the red fire station house in Nampa for a pot luck this weekend.  But this afternoon and tonight I was good just being at pink with just me.  Sat in my amazingly comfortable chair out in the sun for a couple hours – read some – then my eyes got too tired.  Cooked myself dinner for the first time in a couple weeks.  Watched a movie by myself…it was a great night.

In the past I would have read or mowed the yard or forced time with God (did some of that spontaneously, but not the hard work – gotta do it because I don’t know what else to do and need to feel better – hard working balls thing) or some other thing that would make me feel worth while - I did vacuum the floors (They needed it and I was suddenly in the mood which doesn’t happen often)  I did what I wanted to do and I knew what that was.  It used to be that no matter how busy I was the loneliness and feeling like I needed to find a way to be worthwhile was there.  I’m still busy, but now I’m learning to know when I just need to be at home and enjoy being there.

I was thinking that I should give credit to the people in my life that I’m getting close to, but honestly it’s not about them…you…it’s about me.  I’m different.  I’m me “that’s all I have to give.  What you get is what you see”…that might be true this time…it’s at least more true.  Reckon I’m learning to live loved.

It’s gone like the wind under superman’s cape…I don’t really know how that song goes but I keeps going through my head and I think it’s funny.