Freedom

Now I don’t know what to write.  Maybe it’s all still too far inside, or maybe it’s just certain parts are for certain people and not everything for whoever. 

It feels good to be me.  “Me, that’s all I have to give.  What you get is what you see.  Yeah!  No second guessin, no pretendin.  With you (any of you) all I ever have to be is me.”

Here’s what I know:  I don’t have anything in my life that I feel the need to hide – that feels good.  I’m having somewhere between little and no anxiety about my girl moving to Indiana (except I really do need to get the plane ticket and the moving van) – that feels good too.  (Damn, I love that kid and love watching her grow up!)  I…how do I not sound really dumb right now?…I want to take Chase to the beach for his birthday, and don’t feel the need to stay on any of the dating web sites, and … who knows? – that’s scary and feels good.  There are a lot of new things in my life and coming up – possible trip to Nepal, school counselor, writing an absetinence curriculum (really should start that – help someone)…and there are still the old commitments – coaching, teaching, pink home church, my Nyssa family, my focus group, my family family, and next fall probably more “school” to go to although some of the classes will be repeats…I suspect some of the the old will fade away and it will be time to move on…Don’t know any details about that – I’ll steal a saying – delicious ambiguity – that’s sometimes more scary than good, but still good.

Maybe the best good thing is I think I’m getting close to being free from the religious and performance bonds that I didn’t even know existed until recently.  It helps to be around a man who just doesn’t get real uptight about anything and doesn’t get upset when I fall short or have expectations of me.  (There’s that expectancy vs expectation thing again.  Such a good saying – you really all should read the book “The Shack”)  It also helps to have the support of the couple that I still consider my pastors…whatever that means and my sister and my focus group and I think my daughter. 

Mostly God talks to me everyday and from what I can tell He’s liking the direction I’m going in too. Still need to fine tune, and that’s easier when it’s simple.  The Bible without the religious additives, live loved and everything that encompasses, and that’s pretty much it.