Memorial Day

Don’t even know how to start this…but there’s a lot going on and I think I need to process some of it.

Okay, so first, don’t know if it’s really first, just the first thing to come to my mind, I really like being a mom…maybe even better than the idea of being a wife, or life long partner, or whatever.  I had a great weekend.  Most of it was spent with what will probably soon become my older daughter and the events around graduating from college.  You know you really love the kid when you even enjoy taking pictures when she’s in the process of getting slightly intoxicated.  I’m so proud of the person she’s become…crying a little now.  And I admire a lot of things about her, she’s even been a rol model for me in some ways…may get into that later. 

The beginning and the end of the weekend were spent with my likely soon to be “younger daughter”.  I made the same offer to her as I did to the older one years ago…to be a step in mom as needed.  I think it worked out pretty well the first time inspite of some tough times and…my BS, with a little of hers added in.  We’ve come a long way!  I knew it was right this time around when I almost started crying when I knew to make the offer.  She’s already calling the room that’s not the oldest daughter’s room her room…I remember those days…about six years ago.  I’m excited about the prospect of trying the step in mom thing again when I’m more healthy.  What she wrote in my yearbook Fridaymade me cry.  (Yes another ex student)  And her and a friend came by right when I was pulling in the drive way so I made them help me unload the pickup and made them brownies.  They’re easy to have around and a kick in the butt.

One memorial for memorial day is that momdom.  The end of a chapter of that and looking forward to the begining of a new chapter, possibly with more character.

Driving out of the Portalnd area on memorial day was poetically perfect.  There’s really nothing to take me back there any more. The older daugher’s done with school and I had the privilege of experiencing closure of a long time relationship. 

I’m kind of scared.  Don’t know what it all means, just know that God’s good, that I’m way more healthy than I was at the beginning of the last chapter…anyone remember the Pam of 4 years ago?  or even two years ago, or…One day at a time staying close and living loved should do it.

So now it’s time for some acknowledgements because I couldn’t have gotten to where I am now without some key players and a lot of others…no one get offended.  In my most recent developments one player is (watching my tenses)  my “oldest daughter” – watching you feel so comfortable with yourself is absolutely inspiring…offer – let me wear your sun dresses for the summer in exchange for the yellow shoes.  I’ll have to do something come August – but I’ll worry about that later…Anyway,  The cantina experience was priceless to me…I really was proud of you that night and honored to have been a part of you getting there.  I hope you feel equally honored to be a part of my process. 

Next honoree is Mr. Chase.  How could I ever pay you back for…don’t even know where to start…maybe I should just say that my attraction to sun dresses and other changes that go from the inside out have a lot to do with our relationship…and now I’m finding out that it’s just who I am and – no offense – not just in response to you.  The confidence and self understanding and experiences I’ve gained as a result of meeting you are priceless to me.  And then there’s the stuff…yeah, I think that’s all I’ll say about that.  Thanks for being someone I can trust and learn from and have fun with. 

Then there’s my focus group, family, cell group, Nyssa family, Armentas, old high school friends, kids, other people who give me hugs and encourage me to not go running scared.  All the people who made this a memorable day.