IDK

I was going to title a blog Tempter or good gift from the Father of Lights? I originally decided Lily didn’t need to read it, but an audience works well for me. Sooo my primary love language is physical touch, prefered genre – sexual, but being held while I cry or decompress is really nice. I’ve had very limited opportunity to explore that or enjoy it. 

This brings me to my current dating relationship. What I really think I want to do is share more of my heart and relax about the physical stuff, not to be confused with back away from it. I want to tell him straight up where the ultimate line is and I think talking about likes and dislikes would be nice. Fear, maybe old BS – Why go any farther with a guy I don’t intend to marry? The new thought today is I share a lot of my heart with a lot of people who I don’t intend to marry. The obvious difference is the physical touch, but there are people who share my primary love language that I feel very comfortable and enjoy being held by for long periods of time with no sexual anything – they’re girls. I’ve always struggled with that too…so many questions that I’ve had for so long. Places of self condemnation, misunderstanding, non understanding. And largely thanks to Chase, and some friends I trust and a loving savior who really wants me free and living from my heart and not fearful and can take care of it when I made mistakes…and a willingness to work my ass off, here I am right in the middle of all the questions and fears and uncertainty that have been here for…everish. He’s coming over for a few hours tomorrow. My current plan is to live on the edge, be a risk taker, be very soft…and it all feels way more self respecting than any previous plan even though it doesn’t really resemble what I’ve been taught self respect means. (That’s where the BS comes in.)

Anyway, that’s me for now