The Truth Will Set You Free

I’ve been pretty out of sorts, off contract, controling, not happy…much of the last couple days, maybe a little even before that.  I was pretty deep into judging myself and everyone else, and we came up way short of expectations and of what I consider our responsibilities.  Yep, the author of The Shack’s right, those nouns kill, expectancy and responsiveness is way better. 

The trigger on this occasion was finances, that triggers me often…could blame it on upbringing or genetics, but I have to own it to change it, so it’s mine to deal with.  I was already struggling with not paying down my home equity line of credit fast enough to meet my expectations and was trying to find someone to be responsible for that.  There were two candidates and I was pretty resentful of both of us.

So this amazing idea just popped into my brain today (thanks HS) I had based how fast the line of credit should go down on how much I thought I had been paying on the car loan I rolled into the home equity line of credit.  The number was $300.  So I looked it up in an old check register today and found out I had only been paying $210 per month.  I just now remembered I dediced I should roll in more because some of my house was on the loan, but I obviously didn’t take into consideration that my home loan payment had not gone down, I just cut about 10 years off the payoff time.  So when I realized the truth that I was paying as much per month as I had been I was freed of the judgement I had put on myself and of the judgement I had put on others – some relating to finances, and some not.  God’s so good!  So, I’m right where I should be if I take into account my decision to include about $1000 of school loans in the line of credit, $850 ahead if I include the two months I accidently made double house payments in the last year.  It made my feel better.  $850 is about how much has just been wasted on oopsies, stupidity, ignorance, inexperience, and just being too busy to do everything right.  That seemed good to me. 

Sooo I’ve been not wanting to get some hormone testing done because I didn’t feel like I had the money and I felt resentful and angry and ripped off.  That’s gone.  I plan to get the test on Friday and I’m hoping I’ll do better, have to do my maintenence stuff less often, and save money in the long run, or at least hurt less.

So, that’s me for now.