Boys are confusing

Russ is gone and Chase is really fun to hang out with and he kissed me good bye and I kissed him back and then we kissed good bye again on a different night…just little kisses, but definitely kisses, not like the pecks good bye like we had been doing.  I figured that was the beginning of the end, especially after he sent me an email saying he would like to hang out and watch a movie and kiss sometime soon.  That doens’t see like a very good idea, but I don’t really want to stop hanging out with him, or him to stop wanting to hang out with me…at least I don’t think that’s what I want. 

At first I was thinking that with the holidays and snow…it would be a good way to just let it all go away, but I’m having a hard letting it go and part of me doen’t think I should have to.  Why can’t we just have a relationship where we kiss sometimes with the mutual understanding that it’s not going anywhere.  I’ve had a guy to date for a couple months now and I really like it.  I don’t care that I’m not going to marry any of them.  I miss…something…don’t know if it’s him or just the experience.  I’m not attached, but he is great to hang out with and I think I miss that/ him/something.  I know I would like to see him soonish.  The question is do I let him know that, ignore things and see if everything goes away or just kind of keep going, let him know that the whole extended kissing thing won’t happen and see if he still wants to hang out…or…or…so confusing

The other question is am I just using him?  I don’t want to do that, even if it’s mutually agreed upon using each other.  People are people to be experienced and given value to and received value from, not things to be used until it doesn’t suit one or both of us anymore.  So, if we do continue to hang out, for me, it has to go more than the skin deep thing we going now.  He was great when I thought my dad had cancer.  I loved talking to him about it, or was it just having a guy that was kind of like my guy to talk to?  (We’ve agreed that we are not interested in a monogonous relationship.) 

So what now?  I think I’ll see if he sent me the last email or if I sent the last one to him.  If it’s his turn – that’s easy – I wait to hear from him.  If it’s my turn, maybe I ask what he’s dong New Year’s Eve.  Mine’s up in the air, but knowing my options wouldn’t be a bad thing.

One step at a time.   Maybe something about Hosea 2:15 and around there.  Expectation (as a verb, not a noun), means the same thing as hope in Hebrew.  I am betrothed to Him and know Him…and I am a woman made from the rib of a man and desiring the companionship of a man.  I thought God told me once to believe that I would be married until I died even if it never happened.  I still think that’s right and leaning to be soft (Rollie, my athletic director commented that he saw a the softer side of me when I was coaching this year), feminine, comfortable dating (doing pretty good with that) is a good thing.  And mistakes need not be fatal and hmmmm, guess we’ll just have to wait and see.