Things I’m learning

1.  I can’t fix much of anything…I definitely can’t fix people.

2.  Being here now is really good.

3.  What it means to be soft.

4.  The value of waiting for God’s good gift.    Even if it’s 30 years of waiting.

5.  Yes, I really have FUed church, religion, legalistic expectations…so so free.  I choose to live in complete freedom enjoying and living the heart God gave me.  Wonderfully wild Pam…love you girl!

6.  How good it is to be held while I sleep, while I cry…

7.  God really can work through the righteous and unrighteous…

8.  I really do want to “run a mission a yard from the gates of hell”.

 

Sleepless Nights

It’s not what you think..at least not totally.  I’ve been choosing to experience…everything…the overwhelmedness (not a word – but it works), the euphoria, the sensation of being in love (it must be merely a feeling since I don’t believe in falling in love or being in love – just in loving and being loved) and all the rest of it.

But tonight, I think it’s time to sleep…Melatonin here I come.

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My Heart

Where it start.  I look people in the eye a little more that I used to. I still have work to do, but I can see progress.  I’ve shared my heart when it was hard once and a half this week so far.  That’s good.  I”m seriously enjoying the process of walking into the offer I made to Channa.  She makes good eye contact.  The weekend with Lily was great while being exhausting…well worth it!  Got to hear some things I needed to hear.

I’m loving my counseling role. Some kids got some good stuff out there in LIFE2 class.  You should try it.  The prompt is “(Name of someone), the thing I’ve always wanted to hear from you and never have is ………..”  When said out loud to someone taking the place of the person you need to say the thing to, it’s really powerful.  There’s also other good connected with kids I’m mentoring, God working out a long ago ex student connecting with my current students, and a whole bunch more stuff.

I’m doing well at developing a relationship with Chase without being obsessive or avoidant…at least most of the time.

Sooo…this is sounding more like an update than my heart.  My new quote from a song to live by is “It’s going to be a good good night”.  That’s how I feel about my life.  There are so many good things going on and great relationships developing and continuing to develop.  I am learning to have a voice without being controlling.

Okay, here’s maybe the biggest thing.  I’m pretty sure if Chase proposed I’d say yes.  If that’s a bad idea, I hope someone or something hits me over the head with it…soonish.  We’ve talked about it some and we both see it as a very non-traditional life long partnership…probably with a ceremony and definitely without legal ties.  I still want to go to Nepal, finish helping to raise Channa, be Lily’s mom, and do all the other stuff God gives me to do and be.

I think I need to go to a Dick Williams meeting sometime soon.  I’m actually living “Wonderfully Wild Pam” and being “maternal without being matriarchal” and “getting back into letting God work healing through me”.  Part of that was having a healing touch.  I notice myself using a gentle touch effectively and comfortably…I didn’t even know I had that in me until recently.  It feels good…natural.

Wow I’m even more random than usual.  That’s me for now.  Time to tie this up and go to bed.

Yeah

Just another note on how much I love my life and the people in my life

Living Loved

Damn I’m loving this.
Want to hear my idea for a tattooed wedding ring?
It’s nice having a room mate around who is in many ways a soul mate…something I knew the first time I met her.
Doing way better with the second kid than I did with the first one
I can offer to hang out with my parents and when they’re at the cabin…at least I tried and I can go hang out with Chase like I wanted to all along…the only question…when will I get the yard mowed?
I’ve never had so much “family” in so many different places
Plans to go to the cabin…finally
Here’s the hard one – realized some more unhealthy stuff with the first kid…partying at the Cantina…not a problem…needing to fit in, or whatever that was…problem.
Being free to just accept whatever relationship gifts I’m given without even thinking about earning them or whatever that was is so good
Figured out that I still deal with thinking I need to earn love and love is a gift not wages.
It’s really good to not be needed because then when we interact it’s just because…it’s a gift of love…it’s good
Done with random thoughts for tonight

Where Did It Go?

I tried to find the old familiar loneliness that had been my constant companion for as long as I can remember a few minutes ago.  It’s gone…I don’t think it’s coming back…ever.  I looked as hard as one can look in the span of about five seconds, but it used to come without being beckoned, so I’m pretty sure it’s just gone.

I spent my comp Friday (got off at noon) mostly at home…went to the volleyball jamboree, connected with a lot of period, always briefly, not because I needed to, just because I could, so I didn’t need to drag it out just to make myself feel wanted.  Missed a call, called back with no answer, and meant it when I said call back if you still want to talk things through.  Initiated plans with the man friend and another friend and will be going to the red fire station house in Nampa for a pot luck this weekend.  But this afternoon and tonight I was good just being at pink with just me.  Sat in my amazingly comfortable chair out in the sun for a couple hours – read some – then my eyes got too tired.  Cooked myself dinner for the first time in a couple weeks.  Watched a movie by myself…it was a great night.

In the past I would have read or mowed the yard or forced time with God (did some of that spontaneously, but not the hard work – gotta do it because I don’t know what else to do and need to feel better – hard working balls thing) or some other thing that would make me feel worth while - I did vacuum the floors (They needed it and I was suddenly in the mood which doesn’t happen often)  I did what I wanted to do and I knew what that was.  It used to be that no matter how busy I was the loneliness and feeling like I needed to find a way to be worthwhile was there.  I’m still busy, but now I’m learning to know when I just need to be at home and enjoy being there.

I was thinking that I should give credit to the people in my life that I’m getting close to, but honestly it’s not about them…you…it’s about me.  I’m different.  I’m me “that’s all I have to give.  What you get is what you see”…that might be true this time…it’s at least more true.  Reckon I’m learning to live loved.

It’s gone like the wind under superman’s cape…I don’t really know how that song goes but I keeps going through my head and I think it’s funny.

Lovin Life

I’m exhausted…I was exhausted when I woke up yesterday…that was only Tuesday.  And I think I might be the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.  I can’t think of a situation in which I’m not confident and can’t enjoy…okay, going to a really denominational, legalistic church service wouldn’t work for me, but I could always walk out so it’d be all good.

I love my job.  I gave the best dress code talk ever yesterday.  The kids laughed, teachers complimented my presentation, and I had a great time.  I got to counsel with a couple of girls I had already been working with after an almost fight.  We’ve set up weekly/biweekly meeting times and I think that will work.  I got to share my heart with my LIFE class, I have a great student teacher, I love the team of teachers I work with (Roger Hunter rocks!)…Oh yeah, also worth special mention is my principal…that lady is a class act and honest and real…

I’m coaching without it being hard work and feel good about our ability to compete and the realism with which most girls see their ability…that helps.  Shawna is being seriously positive.  It’s good.

Relationship – I have a kid in grad school who’s doing great and is stretching and growing.  I’m connecting well with lots of my other “kids”.  The last couple of times with my family lacked the usual I don’t belong feeling, that’s been really nice.  I talked to a couple of ladies from town the last time I went to the tavern and one of the teachers at my school and her husband would have gone out with Chase and I except that she was puking.  I’m done trying to make sure that I protect the town kids from thinking….I don’t know…whatever I used to worry about them thinking.  Chase spend the night last weekend…I really need to get Lily’s bedroom set back up, some kids came over when I was in the middle of a can of beer…it’s all good.  I’m a good role model without having to try to pretend.

Sooothe man friend…what to say about that?  I like him and he likes me.  We’re getting more comfortable with talking about stuff and everytime I bring something up he’s great.  He’s up for spending time with my family, but everyone’s so busy that it’s hard to make that happen.  I love spending time with his family…totally looking forward to going the family get together with his daughter that lives in San Diego.  We’re planning an overnighter to the cabin for his birthday hopefully with some friends.  We accidently talk about next summer like being together is a forgone conslusion and it doesn’t hardly feel weird.  I used to not really care if I didn’t see him for a long time, but we’ve seen each other every weekend for a while and I still miss him in between times…no wahwah, I need to see him…miss him, just I look sure am looking forward to Friday night miss him.  We tell each other we love each other and it’s real.  So I’m praying for Chase a certain other young man while I fast Ramadan which is also going well.

Yep, life’s good…just gotta get up two more mornings.

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Pink

I’m home.  The yard’s good thanks to the neighbors.  The house is a mess thanks to the moving out process and me being me.

I’m really thankful for a couple of good friends right now.  I’m also thankful for a great summer with no regrets.

I’m looking forward to a glass of wine, a bath in my own bath tub, getting all of my stuff which I left at Chase’s…that’s a whole different story, meeting a friend of a friend.

Chase and I have some stuff to work out, but for today, or at least for right now today, I just need to let myself recover from a week of the girl and saying goodbye. 

I also need to work on looking people in the eye, having a voice, using my words, and probably some other stuff.

It’s time for some updates:  The graduation pictures seem like back then.  My live is starting over…again…doesn’t mean everything changes, just means it’s time for a new chapter, wonder what it will say.  I know it will be good because God’s good and because I’m me and I love well and get loved well in return.

Hope that pink card that’s at the house works.  Otherwise I don’t have a way to get money, or gas, or…  Being indecisive can be really inconvenient sometimes.