Freedom

Now I don’t know what to write.  Maybe it’s all still too far inside, or maybe it’s just certain parts are for certain people and not everything for whoever. 

It feels good to be me.  “Me, that’s all I have to give.  What you get is what you see.  Yeah!  No second guessin, no pretendin.  With you (any of you) all I ever have to be is me.”

Here’s what I know:  I don’t have anything in my life that I feel the need to hide – that feels good.  I’m having somewhere between little and no anxiety about my girl moving to Indiana (except I really do need to get the plane ticket and the moving van) – that feels good too.  (Damn, I love that kid and love watching her grow up!)  I…how do I not sound really dumb right now?…I want to take Chase to the beach for his birthday, and don’t feel the need to stay on any of the dating web sites, and … who knows? – that’s scary and feels good.  There are a lot of new things in my life and coming up – possible trip to Nepal, school counselor, writing an absetinence curriculum (really should start that – help someone)…and there are still the old commitments – coaching, teaching, pink home church, my Nyssa family, my focus group, my family family, and next fall probably more “school” to go to although some of the classes will be repeats…I suspect some of the the old will fade away and it will be time to move on…Don’t know any details about that – I’ll steal a saying – delicious ambiguity – that’s sometimes more scary than good, but still good.

Maybe the best good thing is I think I’m getting close to being free from the religious and performance bonds that I didn’t even know existed until recently.  It helps to be around a man who just doesn’t get real uptight about anything and doesn’t get upset when I fall short or have expectations of me.  (There’s that expectancy vs expectation thing again.  Such a good saying – you really all should read the book “The Shack”)  It also helps to have the support of the couple that I still consider my pastors…whatever that means and my sister and my focus group and I think my daughter. 

Mostly God talks to me everyday and from what I can tell He’s liking the direction I’m going in too. Still need to fine tune, and that’s easier when it’s simple.  The Bible without the religious additives, live loved and everything that encompasses, and that’s pretty much it.

Wow

How did I get this healthy…I may have a slight sinus infection and it’s hurting to sit these days, that’s not what I mean.  I don’t remember the last time I cried, or flipped out, or got bogged down in crap.

I think I’m doing a decent job of loving with expectancy rather than expectations and responding instead of holding me responsible for everyone around me and them responsible for me.  In other words living loved – I still really like my tattoo.  Or…loving like Jesus said to…through being filled with His love.

My facebook, or twitter, or something update says I’m earning an A this summer.  My goal was a B+ and the rating scale is based on the above criteria.

I’m good when I’m alone, like tonight, or when the kids are around, or with my daughter upstairs laughing, downstairs watching SITC together, or dealing with stuff that hasn’t always gone well (damn we’re getting good!) on the softball field, playing volleyball ( a bit challenging) with the guy, without him (okay – so I’m still on a fairly steep learning curve on that deal)…it doesn’t seem to matter, things are good.

The total break from religion and legalism is getting really close.  I think that’s important for most of the relationships I’m in right now.  The whole experiencing instead of judging thing is a big deal…especially when developing relationships with people who smoke, drink more than might be best on occassion, smoke pot when they’re way too young…I really like hanging out with all of you all!  The fact that I have support from people who are in “the system” helps a lot.  It’s all part of being a cowboy marathon runner. 

I threw away the study Bible and got out my very first Bible.  It feels really good.  I love hearing God talk to me and I’m getting more and more free to have that happen.  It’s mostly about knowing when it’s time to go to the store and having no accident contact with people.  Even hearing God is incredibly non religious…and so good. 

It’s all part exchanging my hard working can’t get it right balls for passionate, playful, priceless Pam balls and being a soft, self respecting, risk taking woman, and, of course, living loved.

It’s a good Friday night even though the yard isn’t mowed, there’s dishes in the sink

Memorial Day

Don’t even know how to start this…but there’s a lot going on and I think I need to process some of it.

Okay, so first, don’t know if it’s really first, just the first thing to come to my mind, I really like being a mom…maybe even better than the idea of being a wife, or life long partner, or whatever.  I had a great weekend.  Most of it was spent with what will probably soon become my older daughter and the events around graduating from college.  You know you really love the kid when you even enjoy taking pictures when she’s in the process of getting slightly intoxicated.  I’m so proud of the person she’s become…crying a little now.  And I admire a lot of things about her, she’s even been a rol model for me in some ways…may get into that later. 

The beginning and the end of the weekend were spent with my likely soon to be “younger daughter”.  I made the same offer to her as I did to the older one years ago…to be a step in mom as needed.  I think it worked out pretty well the first time inspite of some tough times and…my BS, with a little of hers added in.  We’ve come a long way!  I knew it was right this time around when I almost started crying when I knew to make the offer.  She’s already calling the room that’s not the oldest daughter’s room her room…I remember those days…about six years ago.  I’m excited about the prospect of trying the step in mom thing again when I’m more healthy.  What she wrote in my yearbook Fridaymade me cry.  (Yes another ex student)  And her and a friend came by right when I was pulling in the drive way so I made them help me unload the pickup and made them brownies.  They’re easy to have around and a kick in the butt.

One memorial for memorial day is that momdom.  The end of a chapter of that and looking forward to the begining of a new chapter, possibly with more character.

Driving out of the Portalnd area on memorial day was poetically perfect.  There’s really nothing to take me back there any more. The older daugher’s done with school and I had the privilege of experiencing closure of a long time relationship. 

I’m kind of scared.  Don’t know what it all means, just know that God’s good, that I’m way more healthy than I was at the beginning of the last chapter…anyone remember the Pam of 4 years ago?  or even two years ago, or…One day at a time staying close and living loved should do it.

So now it’s time for some acknowledgements because I couldn’t have gotten to where I am now without some key players and a lot of others…no one get offended.  In my most recent developments one player is (watching my tenses)  my “oldest daughter” – watching you feel so comfortable with yourself is absolutely inspiring…offer – let me wear your sun dresses for the summer in exchange for the yellow shoes.  I’ll have to do something come August – but I’ll worry about that later…Anyway,  The cantina experience was priceless to me…I really was proud of you that night and honored to have been a part of you getting there.  I hope you feel equally honored to be a part of my process. 

Next honoree is Mr. Chase.  How could I ever pay you back for…don’t even know where to start…maybe I should just say that my attraction to sun dresses and other changes that go from the inside out have a lot to do with our relationship…and now I’m finding out that it’s just who I am and – no offense – not just in response to you.  The confidence and self understanding and experiences I’ve gained as a result of meeting you are priceless to me.  And then there’s the stuff…yeah, I think that’s all I’ll say about that.  Thanks for being someone I can trust and learn from and have fun with. 

Then there’s my focus group, family, cell group, Nyssa family, Armentas, old high school friends, kids, other people who give me hugs and encourage me to not go running scared.  All the people who made this a memorable day.

Why I Hate Him

He makes me confused about me.  He causes me, almost forces me, to stretch and grow when he doesn’t even know he’s doing it.  He makes me feel things and experience things I haven’t felt or experienced before.  I want to say I love you and give him more of my heart, but my brain tells me that’s not a good idea.  I keep finding more things to appreciate about him when I think it might be easier to decide I really do hate him.  Yep, this reflects my life.

What This Cowgirl Is Looking For in a Man

Someone who can pick me up and brush me off when I fall down, who will hold me and help me believe every little thing will be okay, make me feel like a cowgirl, a woman.  He needs to be able to speak into my heart and spirit and his touch needs touch all of me.  He doesn’t have to “want to run a mission a yard from the gate of hell” like I do, but he does need to get it and love it and love it in me.  Sometimes I just need to be held, or at least that’s what it feels like.  I am a cowboy, I sleep with my sexy cowboy boots on – figuratively, I go after strays no one else does.  I like it that way.  I used to think he would need to ride with me, that would be fine…maybe, but I mostly need someone to be there when I come back from a hard round up, when I’ve been thrown, when I’m bloody and dirty.  I need someone who loves me like Jesus does…perfection not required.  Are you out there?  Are you in there?  Is it like the brown shoes?…hope not.  And I will not be in want, or at least I won’t live there because I have the gifts of family and friends who love me, a God and Savior and Lord who understands me and loves me and is enough regaurdless of what my feelings say, and I have me and that’s all I have to give.  So, here’s to putting the boots on, staying in the saddle, and doing the work of the Father.

burned

 i’ve pretty much been burn out busy.  I burned my finger by touching a hot burner probably because it’s easy to get careless when i’m really tired.  i also totally melted a whole cube of butter in th micro-wave and spilled lots of stuff today. i’m one hand typing.  my finger’s been in cold water for 3 hours and still hurts when i take it out.  in the bible paul talks about being a tent maker and laboring day and night and being poured out like a drink offering,  that’s what i feel like.  i don’t regret anything i’m doing, but it’s a lot. i actually asked the neighbor girl who comes to phc to come back to wash dishes because they were overwhelming and i couldn’t do it with 1 hand.  that was  a change in position and it felt good to ask for and get help.  any way i’m glad i havo other people to do the driving this weekend

Oh Shit

I’m in this really nice relationship, but when I don’t stay in the moment it really freaks me out.  I also need to figure some stuff out that has to do with me, but has been brought to focus as the result of my relationship with him.  Should be an interesting Friday afternoon Lindsie Lu.

I’m applying for a job that would probably mean taking between a 4000 and 8000 a year pay cut.  I don’t really have enough money right now, but I think that’s where my heart is and staying where I am because of money…I don’t think I feel good about that.  But…I have that girl…and that girl isn’t a girl any more.  And I could have a student teacher and do some counseling, and maybe some administrative work and my kids love me and I have a really good program, and Barry could use a mentor and I still don’t think that’s where my heart is and God’s my provider not my job.  My belief level on that last one is pretty low but it’s probably still right.

An ex student may end up living with me…and I have that relationship…and I might make a lot less money next year…and there’s Barbara…

I’m involved in a lot of stuff.  I like it that way, but today when I got home from school exhausted and spend to the point of tears I was really glad no Pink HOme Church kids showed up until about an hour late so I could have some sit and stare and let God fill me up time.  Gotta guard that, but He’s given me so many good things to do.

And I’m still sleeping fairly well most nights.  I’ve gotten up at 5:30 the last two mornings to watch and wait, and just hang out with God…well tried, did better this morning.

Birthday moments

Surprise birthday party.

Good time with Chase

Good talk with Kris

Realizations about why I have a hard time with mom and what works better.

I love you.

She’s a hell of a kid

I’m a hell of a mom

More on some of that when I don’t have important things to do

IDK

I was going to title a blog Tempter or good gift from the Father of Lights? I originally decided Lily didn’t need to read it, but an audience works well for me. Sooo my primary love language is physical touch, prefered genre – sexual, but being held while I cry or decompress is really nice. I’ve had very limited opportunity to explore that or enjoy it. 

This brings me to my current dating relationship. What I really think I want to do is share more of my heart and relax about the physical stuff, not to be confused with back away from it. I want to tell him straight up where the ultimate line is and I think talking about likes and dislikes would be nice. Fear, maybe old BS – Why go any farther with a guy I don’t intend to marry? The new thought today is I share a lot of my heart with a lot of people who I don’t intend to marry. The obvious difference is the physical touch, but there are people who share my primary love language that I feel very comfortable and enjoy being held by for long periods of time with no sexual anything – they’re girls. I’ve always struggled with that too…so many questions that I’ve had for so long. Places of self condemnation, misunderstanding, non understanding. And largely thanks to Chase, and some friends I trust and a loving savior who really wants me free and living from my heart and not fearful and can take care of it when I made mistakes…and a willingness to work my ass off, here I am right in the middle of all the questions and fears and uncertainty that have been here for…everish. He’s coming over for a few hours tomorrow. My current plan is to live on the edge, be a risk taker, be very soft…and it all feels way more self respecting than any previous plan even though it doesn’t really resemble what I’ve been taught self respect means. (That’s where the BS comes in.)

Anyway, that’s me for now

The Truth Will Set You Free

I’ve been pretty out of sorts, off contract, controling, not happy…much of the last couple days, maybe a little even before that.  I was pretty deep into judging myself and everyone else, and we came up way short of expectations and of what I consider our responsibilities.  Yep, the author of The Shack’s right, those nouns kill, expectancy and responsiveness is way better. 

The trigger on this occasion was finances, that triggers me often…could blame it on upbringing or genetics, but I have to own it to change it, so it’s mine to deal with.  I was already struggling with not paying down my home equity line of credit fast enough to meet my expectations and was trying to find someone to be responsible for that.  There were two candidates and I was pretty resentful of both of us.

So this amazing idea just popped into my brain today (thanks HS) I had based how fast the line of credit should go down on how much I thought I had been paying on the car loan I rolled into the home equity line of credit.  The number was $300.  So I looked it up in an old check register today and found out I had only been paying $210 per month.  I just now remembered I dediced I should roll in more because some of my house was on the loan, but I obviously didn’t take into consideration that my home loan payment had not gone down, I just cut about 10 years off the payoff time.  So when I realized the truth that I was paying as much per month as I had been I was freed of the judgement I had put on myself and of the judgement I had put on others – some relating to finances, and some not.  God’s so good!  So, I’m right where I should be if I take into account my decision to include about $1000 of school loans in the line of credit, $850 ahead if I include the two months I accidently made double house payments in the last year.  It made my feel better.  $850 is about how much has just been wasted on oopsies, stupidity, ignorance, inexperience, and just being too busy to do everything right.  That seemed good to me. 

Sooo I’ve been not wanting to get some hormone testing done because I didn’t feel like I had the money and I felt resentful and angry and ripped off.  That’s gone.  I plan to get the test on Friday and I’m hoping I’ll do better, have to do my maintenence stuff less often, and save money in the long run, or at least hurt less.

So, that’s me for now.